~ Bedlam Brave ~
It’s been 3 months exactly since my last post. Three months since I shared my goal to “blog more consistently.”
In those 3 months I have written quite a bit. For myself.
But, when I pull up my blog to write for publication, I suddenly become verklempt.
Here I am, trying to finally write a new post, and, guess what? I’m stuck. Painfully & miserably STUCK.
Part of it is the emotion so aptly embodied by my favorite Yiddish word. I have so many things I want to say, so many words yearning to come out. And so much emotion surrounding all of it.
The other part of my STUCK?
Well that would be
FEAR. People-pleasing, of course.
I’m afraid people will
wrongly receive judge my words. I know. Crazy, huh?
I know I am the only person in the world who struggles with people-pleasing. Right? (Grin.)
As my writing friend & mentor, Allison Vesterfelt, has taught me, the solution is to “write now, edit later.”
Unfortunately, my fingers have not only hijacked the role of editor, they’ve also decided to go on strike.
In order to get from my brain to my fingers, my words have to pass through my heart. The problem is my heart currently has a ginormous brick wall blocking it. Upon which, fear has boldly spray-painted in red a message of warning: “STOP. DON’T GO THERE.”
It’s not that I don’t have things to say. I do. A lot.
It’s not that I don’t feel compelled to write. I do. Deeply.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing. I do. Immensely.
It’s that I feel confined by other people’s ideas about what is acceptable to say. And, what should remain unspoken.
Stupid fear. Stupid people-pleasing. (Sigh.)
But, as the picture at the top of this
crazy post shows, I can be a (bit of a) rebel at times. I don’t want to “stay behind the yellow line.” And, I really don’t want to keep my mouth shut.
I want to speak up and share my story. No matter the cost.
I’m scared as all get out, but I have a feeling there’s a least one person who needs to hear what I have to say.
And, if I don’t tell my story, who else will?
Another reason behind my inability to
write publish is because I keep feeling the pressure to “wrap my writing up nicely in a pretty bow.” To end my posts on a happy note.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about the happy.
I have learned so many lessons over the years. And, God has brought beautiful redemption through my pain & loss.
But, as many of my writing friends are courageously teaching me, life is stinkin’ messy.
Sometimes, our story doesn’t end the way we want it to end.
Sometimes, we are still grieving, Still hurting. Still trying to sort out our junk.
Sometimes, our healing comes simply through speaking the words our souls bleed on a daily basis.
And, sometimes, it’s OK to not edit our stories. To not worry about finding the moral of the story. To leave things undone and messy.
And, sometimes, it’s OK to simply hit “publish”…
Photo credit: Amy Jo Ivey / Union Station, Portland, OR / April 21, 2015